11 September 2010
Such a Boring Nite
I can’t help but wonder why…
It hasn’t been a long day for today
But it’s really not that good.
I feel tired and sleepy
But I didn’t do anything today
Although I went home around past 1am
It’s just not normal for me to feel this way.
I am the night crawler… hahaha..ipis??!!
Ang hirap nmn ng ganito kahit mag chat ako
Ay tinamaan ng katamaran.
Eh iyan ang past time ko eh. Bakit kaya?
Ano ba nmn ang nangyayari sa akin?
Is this the sign of old age?
Nakupo naman, huwaaaag!!!
Maybe it’s because of the pressures in life lately.
Minsan talaga tama ang sinsabe nila-mas nakakpagod
Ang mag-isip kaysa gumawa.
Eh hindi naman mawawala ang iniisip kung hindi ka gagawa.
Iyan ang malaki kong problema. Kahit na gusto kong gumawa
Eh wala naman pang kilos.
“Life is unfair – get used to it!!!”
Sabi daw yan ni Bill Gates ng Microsoft.
Sabagy nga naman totoo ‘to. Kung iispin nating mabuti,
Anong magagawa ng reklamo ka ng reklamo o inggit ka ng inggit sa kung kani-kanino eh ganun pala talaga ang buhay.
Hindi lahat ng gusto makukuha. Hindi rin lahat ng kelangan eh meron ka.
Ang hirap ipaliwanag pero susubukan kong ipaliwanag ang nasa sa aking isipan bagama’t ako ay nag aalinlangan sapagkat alam kong ako ay mahihirapan.
To those of you who are reading this right now, please bear with me because it has been ages since I last tried to write down my thoughts. Ngayon nga pati ang tawag sa pagsusulat na ito ay may bago ng salita.
Kung dati rati ay masasabi itong ‘diary o journal’, ngayon maari nang sabihin na ito ay blog or blogging. But I am not sure if I would publish it over the internet or cyber world. I don’t think it would interest people to read such a messy article.
Random thoughts po ito. Kung anong maisip ay siya kong isinusulat sa pamamagita ng pag tipak ng keyboard. Dati pen and paper ang gamit, na nagging typewriter, pero eto isang electronic gadget na ang pagsulat.
Meron naman itong mga advantages at disadvantages. Lesser papers to crumple and ink to waste or typewriter ribbon to use and liquid eraser to paint. Wow! Going green?! Hahaha! Eh pano nmn ung electronic waste?
Kuryente? Old batteries, waste of time?? Hmmm..
Pati pala mga styles of writing hindi ko na alam. Nakupo! Patay ako neto sa research technique teacher ko nung high school. Sorry na Ma’am.
Ang dami ng nagbago sa mundo at sa buhay ko.
Ilang taon na rin nakakaraan sa 911 World Trade Center tragedy sa US.
Ilan buwan na din mula ng maging pangulo si Noynoy Aquino a.k.a.P-noy.
Ganun pa din nasa pulitika pa din si Gloria Arroyo at ang kanyang mga galamay.
14 September 2010
EXAM day 2
Hindi naman ako ang may exam. Si Boy Little. He suddenly felt afraid of his exams’ first day. Maybe, just maybe he was traumatized the previous set of quarter. Unang sabak kasi niya sa school. Pero nag exams na din siya months back but still I think he’s got the 1st day thing.
He convinced his mommy to go with him kahapon. Monday kahapon, pero as early as Friday nagereklamo na ayaw niya mag test. ‘natatakot ako’. When ask him why, he would just say ‘basta natatakot ako’ or ‘napapagod kasi ako’. Hay buhay!
If only kids would know it early that life is not about fear but conquering the world. And if getting tired at his age is nothing compared to how tired adults feel. It is good though that they don’t experience it as early. They have to enjoy life as it is because they have nowhere to go but to grow up. They have feel and be happy as they could now more than ever. Because there is no going back to their youth. I just wish this Boy Little would grow up to a responsible and lucky man!
Yes! I said lucky. Life is unfair diba? And we have to get used to it? Kaya ang wish ko sa anak is he grows up to be a lucky guy. Pwede na din hardworking pero mas ok kung lucky. I do believe there are the ‘luckies’ as I call it. Yun bang talagang dinadatingan ng swerte. Meron talaga believe me. I have seen at least two people na ganyan.
Ang mahirap kasi sa buhay, minsan you’re so hardworking pero pag inabot ka ng malas mababale wala. Alam ko ito kasi pinagdaanan ko na to. Maybe I was not working hard enough? Di rin, parang di ko matanggap. Pwede siguro an my best wasn’t good enough. Ganun daw talaga, you don’t get everything you want. Just be satisfied with what you have. I am… now! Hehehe
So kaya gusto ko maging swerte ang anak pero in a responsible manner. Mahirap na puros hard work and patience tapos wala din sa huli. I wish him a good life. Not necessarily na mayaman. Just enough. Yung may ipon at hindi nagugutom. Ok na ko dun pero kung swerte siya, for sure may matutulungan pa siya. Ang hirap talaga mag-isip pero eto lang naiisip kong paraan para mailabas ang nasa sa loob ko.
Kawawa naman ang misis ko kung sasabihin ko pa to sa kanya eh ang dami na niyang pinoproblema sa buhay naming.
Si misis. Isang mabuting asawa at ina. Hindi ko lang nasasabi sa kanya pero ganun siya. I understand when she loses her patience with me or my son. Ako naman tong si loko eh kadalasan sumasabay pa. Si anak naman saksakan kasi ng kulit at minsan ang hirap pagsabihan. What do u do with a 5-year old? Hehehe.
Ganyan ang misis ko. Minsan maikli ang pasensiya, sino bang hindi? Kahit minsan ba di napatid ang pasensiya mo?? Grabe! Pati mga in-laws ko ang bait. Wala kang maririnig. Basta tumutulong ng kusa. Magbibigay kapag mayron sila. Di mo na kailangan mag sabi.
Kadalasan si mama, siya pang hihingi ng sorry dahil hindi daw siya nakakatulong sa amin. Hello?!!! Hindi po kayo ang walang maitulong ‘ma! Ako po! Ako! Ako!
Si papa naman, biglaan yan. Basta tatawag o mag tetext sa misis ko na kunin yung ganito. Di man regular si papa magbigay ng tulong pero sa oras na kelangan biglaan dumarating.
Si bayaw. Ganun din pero minsan wa-is yun. Di yun papalamang. Hehehe. Pero ok lang ganyan ang laban sa buhay. Ako lang naman tong di baling palugi basta ‘goodwill’ ang ma earn ko.
Lintek! Nako! Oo. Tama! Ganyan ang ugali ko. Ganyan ang ugaling galit nagalit ako sa mga tita ko. They seem to give every penny to those who ‘are in need’. Kahit yung iba eh hindi. Pati naman ako nakikinabang sa ugaling ito pero not to the point I accept everything they give. Hindi ako tumatanggi sa grasya pag wala na kong pera. Pero minsan kasi may mga taong abusado sa pananaw ito. Tanggap ng tanggap, di man lang iniisip na pabalat bunga lang ng nag aabot yun. Kaya minsan ganun nalang iniisip ko, since ako ang mas wala. Akin na lang kesa naman dun pa mapunta sa meron pa pero tatanggap pa din.
Eto ako ngayon. Galit sa ganyang ugali na sobrang mapagbigay kahit wala ng kitain o mapala. Ewan ko ba. Ganun siguro ang lahi namin. It has its advantages and big disadvantages too.
Hay Misis Ko! Salamat sa diyos at ikaw ang ibinigay sakin. Siguro yung mga pinagdaanan mo dati is the preparation for this. I told you so. Lang’ya sakin ka pala hinahanda ng tadhana. Sorry po ha. Pati ikaw nadamay sa kamalasan ko.
Mahirap man sabihin pero I sure am so lucky and blessed to have you as my better half. Sorry dahil I am your worse half.
Napakihirap pala isulat ang mga nasa kaisipan. Nakakabilib ang mga writers. I am trying this outlet pero mahirap. Sobrang overload pala. Pero ok lang kasi nailalabas ko yung thoughts ko. Kawawa siguro ang publisher kung sakaling magpublish ako ng libro. Haha! Di ko kasi Gawain nabasahin pa ang mga nasulat ko na. sa akin kasi bear with the mistakes, that is me…in its original form.
Good day!
PS: kapag walang good day or good nite or ung panghuling salita sa baba, ibig sabihin hindi ko natapos and pagsulat. Salamat ulet.
23 SEPTEMBER 2010
Thursday 1:02pm
Dear Nget,
First, let me tell you I’m sorry for being grouchy when you called me up. Uncalled for pero nakaka tulili kasi. Let me explain and keep an open mind and heart.
The issue with the smell sa clinic has been there for a week. Bakit kelangan pang hintayin ako para malaman kung saan nanggagaling yun? Clinic ko ba yun? Hindi ba’t dapat first priority yung sanitary ng lugar?
Bago ka umalis, I ask you ano ba mga pagagawa mo sa clinic? Hindi mo na nga sinagot ibang issue pa binagsak mo sakin. Pwede ba naman yun? Nag set tayo na duty ako sa clinic. Alam ko maglilinis ako dun, etc etc. I just wanted a confirmation from you kung ano ung mga nasa isip mong ipapagawa? Pero wala kang nagging sagot.
Pwede ba naman yun?
Kukuha ka ng taga laba pero siya ang magdecide kung ano ang mga lalabahan?
Kukuha ka ng taga plantsa pero siya na ang bahala kung ano ang dapat plantsahin?
Kukuha ka ba ng karpintero/tubero/technician/etc. pero hahayaan mo sila na ang gumawa ng mga bagay-bagay sa loob ng pamamahay o clinic mo?
Siyempre hindi. Pero bakit hindi mo masagot ang tanong ko kanina. Ano ang mga ipagagawa mo sa clinic sa akin???
Dahil ba sa asawa mo ako kaya alam ko na dapat ang gagawin ko?
Dahil ba sa asawa mo ako kaya dapat alam ko hindi mo na sabihin sakin dahil dapat mag kusa na ako sa mga dapat kong gawin?
Ganun ba yun?
---
It’s not always that we have someone to depend on. There will come a time that we are alone and/or we feel alone in this world that we live in. be it physically, emotionally or financially.
What do we do when this time comes? At our age and time, we should know already. It was not taught in the institutions that we learned from. Neither was it thought by our parents, relatives or friends.
But what do we do? What should we do? How do we do? The answer to this question lies in us. Not with the books and not with other people. The ANSWER is in US, nowhere else but IN US.
No one can tell us how to look inside us. No one can tell us where to look in us. No can help us look in ourselves but US. And US alone.
So if the answers lie in US, in ourselves, in myself and in yourself, how do u solve such difficult question?
Who can conquer yourself? Do you think a psychologist or psychiatrist can help you answer this? Then go ahead and spend a fortune asking their professional help.
Do you think GOD will help you answer this? Maybe. But in his time, ways and means. And if He does, are you sure you are prepared to stare at the answers right in your face? Or you will just be confused and maybe double or triple confusion may take place in your heart and mind because God answers us in so many ways—oftentimes mysteriously and incognito.
---
Nget, hindi sa lahat ng oras ay maasahan ako alam mo yan. Pinipilit ko gawin ang physical at emotional na pwede kong gawin. Financial, alam mong wala akong magawa. Kung minsan ay nakaka sawa na din. Nakaka sawa na hindi ka na appreciate bagkus ay hinahanapan ka pa ng mga bagay na hindi mo kayang maibigay sa kasalukuyan.
Marami akong pag kukulang. Pinipilit ko ng punan sa ibang paraan, sa ibang diskarte na alam kong hindi mo nakikita dahil hindi ito tugma sa mga nais mong makita. Normal yun. Alam kong may karapatan kang umasa at humingi dahil ako ang iyong asawa. Ngunit ano ang aking magagawa kung ako ay salat sa mga panahong ito.
Marahil ay hindi mo naramdaman ang aking mga pagbibigay nuon ako ay hindi pa sadyang salat sa lahat ng bagay. Ang kadahilanan ay dahil ikaw ay hindi rin salat nuong mga panahong iyon. Ngayon na tayo’y parehas na salat sa mga pagkakataon, sana naman ay iyong makita na mas nakakahigit ka pa din kung ika’y ikukumpara sa akin.
Ikaw ay may mga magulang na matatakbuhan, ako ba’y mayroon? Paka iyong tandaan na ang mga kamag-anak ay iba sa magulang na maari mong sandigan kung ikaw ay nangangailangan. Ako’y walang ganito.
Ikaw ay may mga magulang na mapagbigay. Ako ba’y mayroon kahit na isang kamag-anak o kapatid na ganyan? Alam natin na kailangan ko pang humingi at magkaron ng pasanin sa tuwing ako ay maambunan ng kaunting grasya mula sa kanila.
I am longing too. But at least your parents are just miles away but are still so much caring for you and your son. Count that as a blessing for I count them as one of my blessing because they still take care of you. I know for sure that they will move mountains for you. I am longing for that too.
Where do I find such parents? You very well know my history. I stood alone since I can remember. It was only yaya who was there with me. You will not understand me just as simple as this because you never experienced being really alone. I grew up alone, emotionally. But I have tried my best to keep it away from you.
I wanted to be with you all the way. Emotionally and physically as much as I can I was with you. Please look back beyond three years ago so you could see what I mean. It’s very hard to explain.
But time will really come that we must be alone. Maybe in our work, being as a friend, being as a spouse or just being our self, we will have a moment alone. Intentional or not it will come not just once but as often as we allow it to come. It is in US when we feel alone. It is in US when we feel left behind. It is in US that feel no one is by our side or behind our back.
Ever since I can remember, in this relationship, I tried my best to be beside you, behind you or even in front of you. I did everything I know for you to feel it. Be it in words, actions and even in spirit. I do and I did as far as I know. I don’t care if you felt it or you’ve seen it but just don’t tell me that I was never there.
There are times that I was really never there because you never allowed yourself to feel my presence emotionally and in spirit whenever I am physically not there. Why? It is only you who could answer that.
---
Honestly, I am lost. Lost for hope in a career, lost for hope in my life. Please listen. Now I am no longer INDEPENDENT. I am no longer my previous self. I need somebody to be beside, behind and in front of me. I am now DEPENDENT.
DEPENDENT—
In everything
In everyone
In YOU. Emotionally and financially!
(this entry was made months ago… it was unfinished, I cannot remember why I left it un “ended”)
=old entry end=
6-12-11 Araw ng Kalayaan
